Anne Hamilton/Hamilton Dramaturgy


OFEM, A NEW COMEDIC MONOLOGUE
July 4, 2011, 12:00 pm
Filed under: New Work by Anne | Tags: , , ,

Bucks County, where I live, is filled with foodies. It’s also filled with food snobs. As I travel around to farms picking up my produce, I’ve met some very peculiar people who are entrenched in their own way of eating through life. In a satirical response, I’ve come up with the concept of Ovo-Farming, and want to share it with you through its intrepid leader’s opening speech. I hope you’ll enjoy my summer skewering of food snobbery everywhere.

OFEM

By Anne Hamilton

© July 4, 2011

Character:  SALLY PARSONS, An organic Ovo-Farmer.

Place: The Heartland.

Time:  The Start of the Growing Season, The Present.

(SALLY stands at a podium. There is ambient noise of many people in the room, shifting in their seats. There is a very excited atmosphere.)

SALLY

First of all, I want to thank you all for coming to the first meeting of the Ovo-Farmers Emerging Network. Today is an auspicious day. We will band together as farmers and distributors to grow and sell only female centric fruits and vegetables. Hence: OFEM – Ovo-farmers, like the egg, but without eggs. We will not grow eggs. We are vegans.

(She stops and smiles. She has gotten ahead of herself.)

Let me back up. My co-founder and partner, Kate Meehan and I, decided to start this organization after looking at our plates one afternoon at lunch. And what did we see? Cucumbers, braised squash. Carrots. (She almost gags.) Italian eggplant. And what did we think? Why are we eating all of this phallo-centric food? Think of it, people, how many times does “The Farmer Man’s” (she indicates the quotes with her hands) penis have to be shoved in our face before we wake up?  The time has come to take back the fields from the male farmer with his string beans and corn stalks and celery.

We started the OFEM movement to provide feminists and feminist sympathizers everywhere with a source of food that they can truly enjoy. That they can consume in small, ladylike bites, without feeling that the male-centric food industry is literally shoving its penis down our throats.

We will grow only – are you ready for this? – round, vaguely egg-shaped produce. Think of it, Sisters –non–GMO, organic, pleasantly plump edibles. Cherries. Potatoes. Pumpkins. Bell peppers. And of course, apples.

Apples will be the symbol of our movement as we take back the garden, take back the farmers markets, and overthrow the tyranny of the roadside fruit stand. We will offer gorgeous, plump tomatoes – heirloom tomatoes. Peaches in season. And garlic with its offending stem cut off, yeah, I’ll enjoy that. (She makes the movement of castrating the garlic.) Roundish, delectable lettuces in all colors and textures, with all their lovely peaks and valleys.

Who knows the benefits of eating an OFEM diet? Maybe researchers in the future will discover a lessening of aggression in males and females investing in this way of life. An increase in empathy. Neighbors will no longer be shouting at neighbors. Road rage will decrease. Speeding – well, that may become a thing of the past.

Ovo-farming, Sisters, mark my words, may become the new way of life for the masses. But it starts here. Take a stand with me. Say no to sugar snap peas. And YES to gourds. No! to corn. And YES! To watermelon. Hell, no! to zucchini and YES! YES! YES!! (She says this with orgasmic glee.) To endamame.

In conclusion, thank you for coming to this historic event. Please leave us your email so we can be in touch, and remember the life-giving quality of female-centric plants. It’s ovum, the egg; OFEM, the new true, right and good food movement; and Oh, Femme! How we need you! Let us all take back our vim and vigor.

Say hello to a new way of life.

Thank you very much!

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2 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Anne,
Thanks for the laugh I needed that.

Comment by Audrey Wadsworth

Too funny! LOL

Comment by Linda C. Wisniewski




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